“I think therefore I am” ~ Descartes

I am not sure my thoughts would prove my existence. In some ways, my congealed brain waves seem to be all over the map. So that the only proof I have is for insanity. Which may be closer to the reality of my existence…

I woke up last night stressed about houses. This will be the third house we have purchased. The first, in Waco, was a foreclosure and the only house at which we looked. The second, in Augusta, was found over a weekend of mad searching. But now that I am living with my folks we have time to look at houses. Time to wait to find the right property. But the more we look the less I find. Literally we have looked at houses every weekend since the first of the year. And now I find every house is not right. I want this part of one and that part of another. Some I just do not want. Others I do not want to have to pay for… but each new house leaves me a little more stressed.

And all the while I wish God would break out the spotlight that saved Saul (to become Paul) and shine it on our house…

But reality is not so clear. Partly because there may not be a “right” place. But also because we live our lives with just a bit insanity. Rather than focused on God’s desire, every decision is hobbled by our own sins and selfishness. When we look at things we do not see reality… but a mirage.

Still, if the scales could fall from our eyes I wonder what we would see? I imagine the revelation would be images from the opening chapters of Genesis. Our daily choices a a decision to pick of fruit from the trees. Our great technology, growing and wavering towers of babel. Our offerings often the left overs of Cain. All the while storm clouds build…

The world we see is not of trees with coiled snakes. Instead we see people and coffee and computers screens and cars and houses… always more houses… And how are we to live when truth is so hard to discern?

After all people are starving in lands far off, while I debate room sizes and paint colors and ceiling fans and…

Here is the crux. When I wake up stressed it is not about homeless children, instead it is about the right house for my family. And this is insanity…

… but only because this world makes it all about me. As though I could save it. Our Genesis was, as the word is defined, our beginning. The ending is in the hands of another. One who did not live apart from the chaos, but inside of it. Which is also crazy, but soaked in grace.

I can not make sense of this world. I can often not even discern right from wrong.** But Salvation is not my job. Instead my role is submission… which makes sense, that the insane would bow before, not understanding only trusting, the one who is sane.

** Right from wrong can be very simple. We should not lie, murder, etc. But there is always gray. From the simple, like finding an answer to “Am I fat?”, which I can safely say it is okay to lie. But it grows more complicated with the world systems. Like, here I am in Starbucks and I bought a coffee. How could that be wrong? Getting coffee is always right… until we ponder that people are literally starving. And here I am enjoying wi-fi, heated room, and a 2 dollar coffee. This makes everything confusing. Have I just taken a apple from the tree? … Which is why my role is submission. Our bite in the knowledge of good and evil clouded our vision. So now we are aware of the multiple choices, but left unable to see the right answer.

But the answer lies in the life of Christ. He defines truth. And so we must make every effort to get our heart, mind, soul in tune with His. In this way, we may learn to follow. In His steps we will walk in truth. We will walk perfectly… which comes back around to houses… would Jesus even buy a house?

“Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

And in this I would crazy except for grace…